Author Topic: time for a new JOKE...  (Read 6285 times)

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Offline DirrrtyDirk

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time for a new JOKE...
« on: September 04, 2008, 01:22:46 PM »
Mr. Miller comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Miller receives a telephone call from the local electric company (LEC) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Miller ? "
"Yes...... speaking"
LEC guy: "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the LEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ??"
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue."
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ... he will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to LEC office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at LEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
« Last Edit: September 05, 2008, 06:42:57 PM by DirrrtyDirk »
  
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Offline Colin

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2008, 06:19:33 PM »
With utmost apologies to all the Catholics out there, and to Dirk who's probably heard it before.

Incidentally mate I think yours was a cracker.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?'

'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, 'Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!'

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Bubba says.

'President Clinton,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yes,' Bubba says, 'I know him, let's fly out to Washington .'

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.' Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies. 'Sure!' says Bubba.

'My folks are from Poland , and I've known the Pope a long time.'

So off they fly to Rome . Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, 'What happened?' His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'
 

I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Thought for the day

 When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

Offline DirrrtyDirk

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2008, 06:44:43 PM »
Hey, I probably know many - but certainly not all jokes! That one was new to me, for example!  ;D
  
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Offline Colin

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2008, 01:28:20 AM »
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:  'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.' 'And what is that?' asked  the priest.


 'Should I tell her the war is over?''

I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Thought for the day

 When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

Offline VS

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2008, 02:43:11 PM »
Czech Presidency of the European Union:


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Offline DirrrtyDirk

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2008, 04:30:49 PM »
I don't get it... ???
  
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Offline VS

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2008, 06:08:34 PM »
Hm. If these guys are unknown to the unsuspecting world, some hope is still left ;D

A small guide of Czech high level politicians:
  • top: Václav Klaus - president, denies global warming, hates EU, loves Russia.
  • right: Mirek Topolánek - leader of right wing party ODS, great swearing capabilities
  • left: Jiří Paroubek - leader of mid-left party ČSSD, known for Stalin-era rhetoric

While the two party leaders duke it out together, our head of state plays against everyone.

With this kind of guys, feels rather appropriate for EU's future.

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Offline prissi

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2008, 06:14:52 PM »
They have survived Berlusconi and even some Austrian Extreme Right forwign affair secretary. I think only alien invasion may change the EU with the short time a presidency takes. Otherwise all sides level out with zero mean movement. But not sure if we should open pandoras box and discuss plotics here.

Offline VS

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2008, 06:31:22 PM »
But not sure if we should open pandoras box and discuss plotics here.
Well, that is true. I thought since I am making fun of "my side", it is safe, but who knows on what tangents this might go…

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Offline Colin

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2008, 11:25:57 PM »
I just know someone will pick holes in this but the last bit is worth checking out. (I suppose it's not really a joke, just a bit of Internet bulls@$t

Check out last exercise with Q33 NY!!
 

The Secret behind the number 11
 
Pretty Chilling - read to the bottom.  Try it out.   
If you are a sceptical person - still read on as it's actually very interesting! !
This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it all first)

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters .  (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.   
 
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers , was carrying 65 passengers. 6 + 5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known.  9 + 1+ 1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.

Sheer coincidence. .?
 
Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254.   
2 + 5 + 4 = 11
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.   
3) The Madrid  bombing took place on 3/11/2004.   3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:   

The most recognized symbol for the US , after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Koran, the Islamic holy book:

'For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.'   

That verse is number 9.11 of the Koran.

Unconvinced about all of this still ..?   



Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:   

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

1. Type in upper case Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers .
2.. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS…
   
What do you think now???? 

 
« Last Edit: November 19, 2008, 08:24:33 AM by Colin »
I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Thought for the day

 When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

Offline KrazyJay

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2008, 07:34:34 AM »
Change the Q33 NY to webdings (another font with symbols, to be found in OpenOffice), and it says, go back to the campsite in the forest, and you will see a lot of love. But that doesn't fit into the plot, I admit...
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Offline Colin

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2008, 08:23:31 AM »
Change the Q33 NY to webdings (another font with symbols, to be found in OpenOffice), and it says, go back to the campsite in the forest, and you will see a lot of love. But that doesn't fit into the plot, I admit...

Sorry!! I should have made it more clear. You must use MSWORD WINDINGS
I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Thought for the day

 When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

Offline KrazyJay

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2008, 06:51:16 PM »
Yeah, I know... That's why I noticed "another font with symbols"... just tried to point out coincidence, can be found. Meant in a funny way, I could have made the link that for example my brother, who sat on seat Q33 in an airplane to New York on 9/11 two years ago would find his love of his life on a campsite in the forest. No offense to you though, Colin... ;)

By the way, how long would someone be busy to find out that Wingdings (and not Webdings) lead to that result that could be interpreted as a link to 9/11?
« Last Edit: November 19, 2008, 06:54:00 PM by KrazyJay »
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Offline Colin

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2008, 09:23:04 AM »
Yeah, I know... That's why I noticed "another font with symbols"... just tried to point out coincidence, can be found. Meant in By the way, how long would someone be busy to find out that Wingdings (and not Webdings) lead to that result that could be interpreted as a link to 9/11?

No Idea, but a lot of people have a lot of time to waste judging by some of the email 'jokes' that I get. Here is a better one

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing.'
I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Thought for the day

 When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

Offline KrazyJay

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2008, 02:03:55 PM »
Just took me 2 minutes, but yeah, this joke is better :)
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Offline DirrrtyDirk

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #15 on: November 20, 2008, 02:40:08 PM »
I've got one with pretty amazing "facts" and correlations, too.



Linkin' Kennedy

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary, Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theatre.
Kennedy's secretary, Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon B. Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.


And last but not least:

A month before Lincoln was assassinated he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A month before Kennedy was assassinated he was in Marilyn Monroe.



(I won't spoil it by posting the link to the site where this is ripped apart and shown for what it really is (=mostly fake)... unless somebody wants to know.)
  
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Offline fuzion_051

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #16 on: November 20, 2008, 03:53:22 PM »
An Awesome Divorce Letter . . . . . .



Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to
show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a
new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep
after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that
came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised
me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years
ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the
price tag was still on them.
I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning -- and your new silk
boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out.

So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million
Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But
when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was
born CARL. I hope that's not a problem.

Offline vilvoh

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #17 on: November 20, 2008, 04:40:25 PM »
Now the whole world is in crisis? what crisis? some people may need quick solutions to avoid bankruptcy. So, take five minutes to read the story about how a guy tried to pay his bank's debt with the drawing of a spider. This might save your life....and your money, too....:D

- Part I
- Part II: the revenge

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Offline Roads

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #18 on: December 14, 2008, 04:35:33 AM »
You fellas have probably heard this one, it is my fav:

Do you know how to catch a polar bear?  No?
First you chop a hole in the ice, then sprinkle some peas around the hole.
When the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Offline VS

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #19 on: December 14, 2008, 11:20:47 AM »
Hard to understand without saying it aloud, at least for me :D

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Offline gerw

Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2008, 07:50:46 AM »
A rather mathematical joke:

As everyone knows, Noah built an arc. Here is some additional information about what happened when the animals were getting off...
Now, the world was pretty well empty of land creatures, so Noah gave all of the animals instructions as they departed.
To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.
Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!"
A while later he was walking around and stepped over a fallen tree.
There were those snakes, well, er... multiplying.
"I thought you said you couldn't multiply?" asked Noah.
"By logs we can!" replied the adders.

Offline Dwachs

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Re: time for a new JOKE...
« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2008, 08:37:55 AM »
Let epsilon be smaller than zero!
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